Wednesday, November 16, 2011

New Season

Many people come into our lives...and even though I regret some who have been 
allowed "entrance"...ultimately, whether I like it or have to keep the door open so one doesn't become completely closed off...

I've learned a great many things in this most recent season of my of which is, that despite the nature of some relationships, or the way they "began" ...the "evolution" of things or process (I suppose) changes people (SOME of those "things" were good...right...some were wrong, didn't ring of one lick of truth, and other influences were stronger than any prayer I had)...In the end, those who may have mattered to me....didn't seem to think that I did. Sadly, I guess I wasn't even a consideration outside of being an acquaintance, or maybe even a cleaning lady or interior decorator. LOL

It's hard to fathom, and even after counsel it STILL proves difficult for me to "get my mind around it" for the most part, I have worked diligently to "not go there" as much as possible. Deciding that some things I suppose I'm just not meant to understand, and if the Lord hasn't "fixed it" or given me clarity about it...well - like it or not...I'll just have to keep on truckin' ...LOL pray that in heart heals/forgives and my head stops running that movie (clenching my fists and saying: any day now...any day now LOL)...Especially the part where I look back and I was what seemed to be - a part of someones life in a way MANY were not...and...I don't know how one can put that off so flippantly and "be cool" with their disposition regarding the circumstances... (once again...I digress) I guess I just feel foolish...Ultimately, I have learned that what some call "friendship" may not be what I or you perceive it to be. 

Suffice it to say...FOR ME....if you are my friend ....and I call you a friend...please always know, you aren't an acquaintance to matter when I let you in, and I don't share my "inner/private life" with a myriad of people...I realize we're all different....just....that's me, I guess. 

I have SO many more words in my head about these past four or five years (specifically the last two - where things were supposed to be ...I don't know...right ...or true - and they weren't. People can think what they want. They didn't live here like I did. Perhaps they heard a very ONE-sided story (that THEY too wanted/needed to believe)....So despite ANY outside opinions, I know what happened...I know what's real and what's not. Think what you want. We'll all answer for our "stuff" some day. And the person I'm writing about specifically WILL have to account for some things that have been private for quite some time). ....

I truly could write a book..go on for DAYS....but not sure it would add up to a whole lot of interest outside of a healthy or unhealthy vent...and not one of the people who still CHOOSE to believe what they want - will ever consider for ONE second...that speaking the why keep typing...LOL

I've put together some images I worked on graphically - some will become paintings....some may only live here in this space, but they are the best way I can describe "what's in my head" as I leave here in eight days....

Before I post the images....I found a couple of quotes that seem to ring true to me.

"God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way." ~C.S. Lewis

"Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will sweetie?" ~Marilyn Monroe

This bird image will be a painting soon.  Possible title: Navigation through technology proves difficult.

Guess I've been feeling like a fish out of water for longer than I care to admit. Small sketch on paper.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Passing through . . .

I haven't a clue if anyone actually ever reads my blogs, and I've decided that's ok . . . If you're a passer by . . . cool . . . perhaps I'm writing just for me to hash things out. Thus, 'tis what I shall do this afternoon - allow for those just passing through . . . 

I've had a strange day . . . who am I kidding??? I've had a strange life. But recently, in an attempt to "sort things out" I've shut down my facebook page, stopped allowing myself to even have memories of things . . . people. Basically just - to be honest . . . got sick . . . and tired . . . of not living in peace. As a Christian I SHOULD be living and walking in peace. Period. End of story. 

Alas . . . even isolating myself, my world . . . my thoughts . . . just hasn't done it . . . *and YES I "know better" . . . today that great BIG accountability/reality wall just dropped itself smack down in front of my front door and said, "Good morning, Beth. I hadn't seen you around in a while and thought I'd swing by . . . after all, I've always been in the neighborhood - despite your efforts to ignore me."

So what do you do with the wall? Well, you read the writing on it - that's what . . . 'cuz no matter how many times I closed my eyes and said three times, "If you just don't look it will go away!" . . . all the while internally clinching my fists reciting, "any day now . . . any day now" it still blocked my path. 

I don't have any answers from the days events thus far . . . *I literally paused just now - and exhaled . . . and yup . . . nothing. So what's the point? Or what lead me here on THIS day?

A while back I connected with a somewhat well-known musician. In an attempt to "heal" he sort of walked away from the music industry (at least to some degree) and over the past few years began focusing on painting. Look . . . I'm not going to pretend he and I were great friends or anything . . . but . . . from the very moment I connected with him back in, April/May I knew that there would be more to our business relationship than merely my representing him in, Nashville (which he had just made a quick trip through here last week). 

Again, I don't want to pretend there's this DEEP connection or anything . . . but sometimes you just KNOW when the Lord is up to something and I have to be honest . . . sometimes I'm not real sure I want to "participate" . . . Even saying out loud, "Seriously Lord?" . . . Seriously?

So . . . due to ongoing issues in this persons life, coupled with the junk I have yet to fully "let go of" and move on . . . I literally thought perhaps I shouldn't "take this person on" . . . not to think less of THEM . . . but literally - was I capable of being the type of Christian I needed to be in this persons life - especially at a distance? I prayed more than once as to whether or not I should even continue with my commitment, and even though our "business venture" didn't seem to be taking shape . . . despite my efforts to "ditch" the whole idea . . . the Lord never really allowed me to walk. 

Soon after contracts were signed and dates were set . . . he began to have some personal issues that caused a set-back for him. He would call, email, text . . . and over time it was apparent that he was in a full-blown battle for even a glimpse of sanity/peace. I continued to offer support, stating that we'd just push the dates on the exhibition with no worries at all . . . I clearly recall saying in one of our last conversations, "Mikey . . . seriously . . my hope and prayer is that you are doing well. I pray for you often. The art will wait." 

He was always so polite and every couple weeks he'd send me a text asking was it still ok for him to show w/ me? Or frantic apologies for not having followed up with me. I would always respond and half the time w/ a call so he could hear my voice saying, "Mikey . . . we're fine. We're good. Please get well. You are more important than the work." He'd always say to me . . . "Thank you for praying for me. You're one of the only people I've ever heard say that . . . well, at least that I believe actually does it." then he'd politely laugh . . . He was such a sweet, kind-hearted person . . . who was simply STRUGGLING for peace.

So this morning I was informed privately that, Mikey passed over the weekend while in, Chicago. I wept.

I opened my phone to read a text he sent me just a couple weeks ago: "Hey Beth - it's Mikey. Sorry I'm so out of touch with things. (few sentences of personal stuff/issues) Are we still good? I hope so!!! Talk to you soon."

So what's the point in writing about this? People are hurting and no amount of money or fame shields ANYONE from it. satan is working REALLY hard to get folks to believe the lie . . . so WE had better be working even harder on behalf of the Truth!
I wasn't a CLOSE personal friend of, Mikey Welsh . . . but I was a person who will walk away knowing this: there's MORE going on that what I got. I'm blessed. Look . . .  I don't know that I could have "done more" for someone like, Mikey - but I know I could have prayed more. 

I remember a while back, in an attempt to cheer him up, I mailed him a handmade card w/ a starbucks gift card inside and he called me laughing . . . "Ahhhhh the drug of choice. Or so you would have me believe." . . . Despite his love of coffee  . . . I guess he never bought into that idea.

I'm reminded a great deal lately that some folks are just passing through. So you've got to be the best Child of God you can be for them. You might just be the only one telling them the Lord DOES love them . . . flaws and all.

This and a few other things as of late DID cause me to take pause and "settle" a few unresolved issues I've had for more than a season. I reached out to yet another musician and said, "I'm not ok yet. But I know I can't hang on to this bitterness and resentment forever. So just know I'm getting there and until then, I'm letting you off the hook . . . so to speak." It turned into a rather lengthy conversation about a great many things. Half of them we didn't fully agree on, but decided we just may never . . . and we'd have to let the Lord fill in the gaps. I don't know that he and I will ever be friends, but it's good to know that Mikey passing gave me enough sense to realize all the junk is a "drug" . . . what do you "use" to keep you from getting better . . . allowing the Lord to heal you?

Today . . . I'm prayerfully deciding that I'll choose coffee . . . and let everything else be a thing that's just passing through.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Ok...I Think I "Get It" ...

One of my homeless friends & SUPER duper fan of, Posie...just rode his bicycle into the city (2 miles) to let me know that after 15 yrs...he was no longer homeless. 

Just so you know, he's always worked (including picking up trash in parking lots for companies & stores-in trade for food). 

I asked him did he need anything for the house-I'd like to help. His response, "No-I have everything I need. I always have. In 15 yrs out here-I've never been robbed, hurt, and always had food/clothes on my back...God is good and faithful. It hasn't been easy...but I really feel blessed." Did you hear that???? God is GOOD ....and FAITHFUL...said the man who lived with next to NOTHING!

He continued...."I really just wanted you to know that I now have a home. A REAL home. I don't have many people to share such good news with and just want to tell everyone!....You've been really kind to me. Even just offering conversation and time with your little dog. Most people are so mean/rude-even though they don't know me...I don't think folks understand that it could happen to anyone...and once you get down that's almost impossible to 'get out'..I appreciate your friendship is's like no matter how rough it's been-God wanted me to know He was always watchin' me and sent so many angels to cover me."

Transitioning......I've had a few folks in my building give me grief about it....they don't like "them" hanging around the park across the street or whatever...Once a lady in the elevator said to me (in a tone I'm sure you can imagine) "You know...I really wish you'd stop encouraging those kinds of people. I've reported some of them for loitering. You only make it worse." I literally looked at her...smiled....and responded, "It's unfortunate you feel that way. Have a blessed night." *She no longer speaks to me.

Bottom line: Like many these days...I'm on a pretty tight budget...I give food...blankets...gather up items to make goody-bags...LOTS of pb&j sandwiches-things of that nature...but in the midst of ALL of it...I've totally and FINALLY forgotten about "what it is I THINK I'm doing for them" (oh-so-holier-than-thou-mentality)...I'm thankful....HUMBLED....BLESSED....for knowing each and every one of them. They really are my friends. 

I will never be able to truly express what I've gained for having some of them in my life. It's priceless when knowledge becomes wisdom. Don't get it twisted...that's no ME saying I'm brilliant...that's me quote my friend, "God is good...and faithful."

As we walked in separate directions...him pushing his bicycle along...I yelled back, "Hey! Thank you! This is the BEST news I've received in a really LONG time. It's good. Praise God!"

He smiled and said, "Tell Posie hi for me."

Friday, September 9, 2011

This & That & That's All.

I'm back for my second blog. Not sure how many people actually read this stuff . . . I have many things going on in my life right now, but not really going to address anything specific. Today is all about this . . . and that . . . and that's all. What this means for you is seemingly nonsensical imagery. Like this: and I realize folks probably grow tired of me mentioning art, but it doesn't stop for me. It's my thing - so whatever. Here's this circle I made.

And now for no reason, I shall post a photo of a Swiss Army Knife. If I had the cash - I'd like to own one.

My Dad really enjoys these wafer cookies. I have some and plan to eat them, but before having done it - I organized them and took a photograph. It's merely more evidence that multiples are nice to look at . . . when you can see anything sort of, "put together" it seems as though it has some value - even if it's merely aesthetic. So allow me to present these wafer cookies.

I made this collage.

One - maybe two more photographs and then "I'm out." Here's one of, Madonna. I'm fairly certain she's imitating, Ernest Borgnine here. I really should stop typing right now and call, John Fallon - ask him if Madonna is "still happening?" . . . I wonder if he'll know the answer.

The last thing. . . if you google, "things that are yummy" - select images, and scroll down really far - this skirt appears. I don't have time for rebuttal but I'd venture to guess that yummy must fall under the subjective rather than objective category in this instance.

Yep. That ought to do it for now.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Now ~ More Than Ever...I Need To Know Him.

I'm generally not one to be succinct. However, I'm striving for less words....more action (prayerfully of course). As of late, I'm learning that despite having been a Spirit filled Christian for years, I may not know the Lord as much as I think I do.

I suppose we all look at ourselves and through OURSELVES have some idea of who, God is...But no matter what any of us thinks ~ God is more than an idea... He's real. Very real, and involved in each of our lives according to the level for which we allow.

This morning after some much needed one on one time with the Father...I'm reminded of some simple things that through faith on my part...will help/allow me to see Him work in my life and on my behalf more freely. I pray I can move through these next few weeks...days...moments...using each one as armor in my fight to turn knowledge into

I pray that if you found yourself reading this you know that the Lord loves you. He died for you. He really just wants to be your friend. are just a few of this things I'm praying to LEARN...ALL the way...

• God won't take away sin until I give it over to Him. *exhaling....
• Faith is NOT an emotion...It is OBJECTIVE trust placed in a God who is VERY real.
• The way I think about/view the Lord doesn't define Him.
• God DOES command & speak....Do I obey & listen?
• Whether I "see it" or not, God IS just. *I will believe this....
• My salvation does not depend on my name. Thank the Lord.

Have a blessed week everyone.