allowed "entrance"...ultimately, whether I like it or not....you have to keep the door open so one doesn't become completely closed off...
I've learned a great many things in this most recent season of my life...one of which is, that despite the nature of some relationships, or the way they "began" ...the "evolution" of things or process (I suppose) changes people (SOME of those "things" were good...right...some were wrong, didn't ring of one lick of truth, and other influences were stronger than any prayer I had)...In the end, those who may have mattered to me....didn't seem to think that I did. Sadly, I guess I wasn't even a consideration outside of being an acquaintance, or maybe even a cleaning lady or interior decorator. LOL
It's hard to fathom, and even after counsel it STILL proves difficult for me to "get my mind around it" ...so for the most part, I have worked diligently to "not go there" as much as possible. Deciding that some things I suppose I'm just not meant to understand, and if the Lord hasn't "fixed it" or given me clarity about it...well - like it or not...I'll just have to keep on truckin' ...LOL pray that in time...my heart heals/forgives and my head stops running that movie (clenching my fists and saying: any day now...any day now LOL)...Especially the part where I look back and think...wow... I was what seemed to be - a part of someones life in a way MANY were not...and...I don't know how one can put that off so flippantly and "be cool" with their disposition regarding the circumstances... (once again...I digress) I guess I just feel foolish...Ultimately, I have learned that what some call "friendship" may not be what I or you perceive it to be.
Suffice it to say...FOR ME....if you are my friend ....and I call you a friend...please always know, you count....you aren't an acquaintance to me...you matter when I let you in, and I don't share my "inner/private life" with a myriad of people...I realize we're all different....just....that's me, I guess.
I have SO many more words in my head about these past four or five years (specifically the last two - where things were supposed to be ...I don't know...right ...or true - and they weren't. People can think what they want. They didn't live here like I did. Perhaps they heard a very ONE-sided story (that THEY too wanted/needed to believe)....So despite ANY outside opinions, I know what happened...I know what's real and what's not. Think what you want. We'll all answer for our "stuff" some day. And the person I'm writing about specifically WILL have to account for some things that have been private for quite some time). ....
I truly could write a book..go on for DAYS....but not sure it would add up to a whole lot of interest outside of a healthy or unhealthy vent...and not one of the people who still CHOOSE to believe what they want - will ever consider for ONE second...that I...just....MIGHT....be speaking the truth....so why keep typing...LOL
I've put together some images I worked on graphically - some will become paintings....some may only live here in this space, but they are the best way I can describe "what's in my head" as I leave here in eight days....
Before I post the images....I found a couple of quotes that seem to ring true to me.
"God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way." ~C.S. Lewis
"Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will sweetie?" ~Marilyn Monroe
|This bird image will be a painting soon. Possible title: Navigation through technology proves difficult.|
|Guess I've been feeling like a fish out of water for longer than I care to admit. Small sketch on paper.|