Monday, October 10, 2011

Passing through . . .

I haven't a clue if anyone actually ever reads my blogs, and I've decided that's ok . . . If you're a passer by . . . cool . . . perhaps I'm writing just for me to hash things out. Thus, 'tis what I shall do this afternoon - allow for those just passing through . . . 

I've had a strange day . . . who am I kidding??? I've had a strange life. But recently, in an attempt to "sort things out" I've shut down my facebook page, stopped allowing myself to even have memories of things . . . people. Basically just - to be honest . . . got sick . . . and tired . . . of not living in peace. As a Christian I SHOULD be living and walking in peace. Period. End of story. 

Alas . . . even isolating myself, my world . . . my thoughts . . . just hasn't done it . . . *and YES I "know better" . . . today that great BIG accountability/reality wall just dropped itself smack down in front of my front door and said, "Good morning, Beth. I hadn't seen you around in a while and thought I'd swing by . . . after all, I've always been in the neighborhood - despite your efforts to ignore me."

So what do you do with the wall? Well, you read the writing on it - that's what . . . 'cuz no matter how many times I closed my eyes and said three times, "If you just don't look it will go away!" . . . all the while internally clinching my fists reciting, "any day now . . . any day now" it still blocked my path. 

I don't have any answers from the days events thus far . . . *I literally paused just now - and exhaled . . . and yup . . . nothing. So what's the point? Or what lead me here on THIS day?

A while back I connected with a somewhat well-known musician. In an attempt to "heal" he sort of walked away from the music industry (at least to some degree) and over the past few years began focusing on painting. Look . . . I'm not going to pretend he and I were great friends or anything . . . but . . . from the very moment I connected with him back in, April/May I knew that there would be more to our business relationship than merely my representing him in, Nashville (which he had just made a quick trip through here last week). 

Again, I don't want to pretend there's this DEEP connection or anything . . . but sometimes you just KNOW when the Lord is up to something and I have to be honest . . . sometimes I'm not real sure I want to "participate" . . . Even saying out loud, "Seriously Lord?" . . . Seriously?

So . . . due to ongoing issues in this persons life, coupled with the junk I have yet to fully "let go of" and move on . . . I literally thought perhaps I shouldn't "take this person on" . . . not to think less of THEM . . . but literally - was I capable of being the type of Christian I needed to be in this persons life - especially at a distance? I prayed more than once as to whether or not I should even continue with my commitment, and even though our "business venture" didn't seem to be taking shape . . . despite my efforts to "ditch" the whole idea . . . the Lord never really allowed me to walk. 

Soon after contracts were signed and dates were set . . . he began to have some personal issues that caused a set-back for him. He would call, email, text . . . and over time it was apparent that he was in a full-blown battle for even a glimpse of sanity/peace. I continued to offer support, stating that we'd just push the dates on the exhibition with no worries at all . . . I clearly recall saying in one of our last conversations, "Mikey . . . seriously . . my hope and prayer is that you are doing well. I pray for you often. The art will wait." 

He was always so polite and every couple weeks he'd send me a text asking was it still ok for him to show w/ me? Or frantic apologies for not having followed up with me. I would always respond and half the time w/ a call so he could hear my voice saying, "Mikey . . . we're fine. We're good. Please get well. You are more important than the work." He'd always say to me . . . "Thank you for praying for me. You're one of the only people I've ever heard say that . . . well, at least that I believe actually does it." then he'd politely laugh . . . He was such a sweet, kind-hearted person . . . who was simply STRUGGLING for peace.

So this morning I was informed privately that, Mikey passed over the weekend while in, Chicago. I wept.

I opened my phone to read a text he sent me just a couple weeks ago: "Hey Beth - it's Mikey. Sorry I'm so out of touch with things. (few sentences of personal stuff/issues) Are we still good? I hope so!!! Talk to you soon."

So what's the point in writing about this? People are hurting and no amount of money or fame shields ANYONE from it. satan is working REALLY hard to get folks to believe the lie . . . so WE had better be working even harder on behalf of the Truth!
I wasn't a CLOSE personal friend of, Mikey Welsh . . . but I was a person who will walk away knowing this: there's MORE going on that what I got. I'm blessed. Look . . .  I don't know that I could have "done more" for someone like, Mikey - but I know I could have prayed more. 

I remember a while back, in an attempt to cheer him up, I mailed him a handmade card w/ a starbucks gift card inside and he called me laughing . . . "Ahhhhh the drug of choice. Or so you would have me believe." . . . Despite his love of coffee  . . . I guess he never bought into that idea.

I'm reminded a great deal lately that some folks are just passing through. So you've got to be the best Child of God you can be for them. You might just be the only one telling them the Lord DOES love them . . . flaws and all.

This and a few other things as of late DID cause me to take pause and "settle" a few unresolved issues I've had for more than a season. I reached out to yet another musician and said, "I'm not ok yet. But I know I can't hang on to this bitterness and resentment forever. So just know I'm getting there and until then, I'm letting you off the hook . . . so to speak." It turned into a rather lengthy conversation about a great many things. Half of them we didn't fully agree on, but decided we just may never . . . and we'd have to let the Lord fill in the gaps. I don't know that he and I will ever be friends, but it's good to know that Mikey passing gave me enough sense to realize all the junk is a "drug" . . . what do you "use" to keep you from getting better . . . allowing the Lord to heal you?

Today . . . I'm prayerfully deciding that I'll choose coffee . . . and let everything else be a thing that's just passing through.